January 28, 2013
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Here, why not have a photo of me dressed in my exhaustive researched Halloween costume. You’re welcome.
October 18, 2012
YOU’RE TEARING ME APART!
Hey guys, since I am such a faddish person I’ve decided to break my content into two sites. Words, essays or fiction will still be here at The Whelk At WordPress, but daily drawings, videos, art, and Stuff I Like will continue over at JOHN LEAVITT LIVES. Go forth and follow my darlings.
October 17, 2012
October 16, 2012
September 28, 2012
“Gypsy” – Kim Boekbinder
So creating this music video took all year so I guess I have to start updating here….
August 18, 2011
June 29, 2011
I Had A Dream
I normally don’t like to read or hear about other people’s dreams cause, you know but I had one from a bender of cold pills and not eating that actually made TOTAL SENSE and had a NARRATIVE ARC and everything. And it was about time travel.
In the dream I am visiting London with the BF/SO and we’re near Vauxhall and he wants to photograph things so I wander off and find, of course a time travel shop, where you get to spend 5 minutes in any time you want, but not space, it has to be that actual location. And it’s done like tour groups and I kinda slide in and they put everyone through these gates and tunnels and it’s explained, because of conservation of matter and not fucking up time, any time tourist has to have a representative in the time they’re going to visit, someone they’ll take the place of for a few minutes. Your rep was given to you via a ticket machine that spit out a little brown paper saying CHARLES EDWIN THADDUES: DIPSOMANIA
Cause everyone you took the place of, was someone who was about to die. So you go into the final area and sit in a chair with a big dental looking device in front of you. It reads your card and then very quickly, slash slash, cuts your throat with a straight edge razor.
And then spend a good second bleeding out.
But then you’re there, fully! In whatever time you wanted! I did it all, Regency, Victorian, Edwardian, Roman, you name it. I kept going back for more, until they said I couldn’t, I used up too many slots and frankly my neck was pretty gross from being slashed at. So I held another person, another time traveler who kept going back to same day in June a few years ago, I held his neck up to the machine and piggybacked onto a trip to a Jurassic. Oh wonderful. DINOSAURS. But me being there set off a bunch of alarms. I tried to escape with another group, they fled to London in the Blitz, I got there, only to be greeted with thousand of dinosaur bodies falling into the grand and fancy buildings of London, drawn in my by slipstream and unhygienic travel. The dream ended with me being sent home after being beaten senseless (and loosing some teeth) by the operators and coming back to a London with a very different skyline and history cause it got rained on by dinosaurs in the 40s.
May 3, 2011
Canadians like me
I should mention I’m in another edition of AE MICRO, super short SF stories based around a word. This year’s word is “Time.”
You might remember this story in much, much longer form on this website and while I may use it for a scene in a larger work, I think this super-short version works much better. Less shaggy-dog nonsense.
Aesop’s Fables As Read By A Sociology Student
Fable: The Cat and Venus
A CAT fell in love with a handsome young man, and entreated Venus to change her into the form of a woman. Venus consented to her request and transformed her into a beautiful damsel, so that the
youth saw her and loved her, and took her home as his bride. While the two were reclining in their chamber, Venus wishing to discover if the Cat in her change of shape had also altered her
habits of life, let down a mouse in the middle of the room. The Cat, quite forgetting her present condition, started up from the couch and pursued the mouse, wishing to eat it. Venus was much
disappointed and again caused her to return to her former shape.
Moral: Class conventions are a weapon against social mobility.
Fable: The Ass and His Masters
AN ASS, belonging to an herb-seller who gave him too little food and too much work made a petition to Jupiter to be released from his present service and provided with another master. Jupiter,
after warning him that he would repent his request, caused him to be sold to a tile-maker. Shortly afterwards, finding that he had heavier loads to carry and harder work in the brick-field, he
petitioned for another change of master. Jupiter, telling him that it would be the last time that he could grant his request, ordained that he be sold to a tanner. The Ass found that he had
fallen into worse hands, and noting his master’s occupation, said, groaning: “It would have been better for me to have been either starved by the one, or to have been overworked by the
other of my former masters, than to have been bought by my present owner, who will even after I am dead tan my hide, and make me useful to him.”
Moral: Demanding better working conditions will be met with punishment.
Fable: The Crab and the Fox
A CRAB, forsaking the seashore, chose a neighboring green meadow as its feeding ground. A Fox came across him, and being very hungry ate him up. Just as he was on the point of being eaten, the Crab said, “I well deserve my fate, for what business had I on the land, when by my nature and habits I am only adapted for the sea?’
Moral: Be content with your lot in life, or else.
Fable: The Wild Ass and the Lion
A WILD ASS and a Lion entered into an alliance so that they might capture the beasts of the forest with greater ease. The Lion agreed to assist the Wild Ass with his strength, while the Wild Ass gave the Lion the benefit of his greater speed. When they had taken as many beasts as their necessities required, the Lion undertook to distribute the prey, and for this purpose divided it
into three shares. “I will take the first share,” he said, “because I am King: and the second share, as a partner with you in the chase: and the third share (believe me) will be a source
of great evil to you, unless you willingly resign it to me, and set off as fast as you can.”
Morality: The powerful will do anything to retain their position.
Fable: The Oxen and the Butchers
THE OXEN once upon a time sought to destroy the Butchers, who practiced a trade destructive to their race. They assembled on a certain day to carry out their purpose, and sharpened their horns
for the contest. But one of them who was exceedingly old (for many a field had he plowed) thus spoke: “These Butchers, it is true, slaughter us, but they do so with skillful hands, and with no unnecessary pain. If we get rid of them, we shall fall into the hands of unskillful operators, and thus suffer a double death: for you may be assured, that though all the Butchers should perish, yet will men never want beef.”
Moral: There are collaborators in every movement.
Fable: The Farmer and the Cranes
SOME CRANES made their feeding grounds on some plowlands newly sown with wheat. For a long time the Farmer, brandishing an empty sling, chased them away by the terror he inspired; but when
the birds found that the sling was only swung in the air, they ceased to take any notice of it and would not move. The Farmer, on seeing this, charged his sling with stones, and killed a great
number. The remaining birds at once forsook his fields, crying to each other, “It is time for us to be off to Liliput: for this man is no longer content to scare us, but begins to show us in
earnest what he can do.”
Moral: Throw rocks at birds.
Here’s What Happened
So I read this and then felt the need to write the following:
HE didn’t do well in school. He tested well but had poor behavior, inattentive fugues, was hyper in class. That story. The school suggested medication but his parents refused, they didn’t want their kid on drugs. They tried channeling his energy into sports but he wasn’t, in the words of the Child Study Team, “comfortable in groups.”
His dad got the computer for doing taxes, but the boy made it his. It migrated into his room were, after much pleading, it was finally outfitted with a modem. The internet suited him, even in its primitive 1.0 era. He wasn’t good with the tech side but you pick stuff up, and he picked everything up. Skating, scripting, HTML, bad movies, Japanese TV, comic-book-how-tos The Anarchist Cookbook, mix-tapes, zines, trolling-before-it-had-a-name, all of it. He even messed around doing pixel art for a game he made on a cracked and badly translated version of RPGMAKER2000
That was the ticket. Almost by accident he had stumbled into doing custom sprites for homebrew games. He was popular for the first time ever. He started to expand his skills, staying up til dawn trying to get just the right shading on the alien’s open sores. His vivid imagination was an asset not something that needed to be controlled. His parents weren’t thrilled about it, but at least it kept him busy and out of trouble.
With (token) popularity came (some) friends, mostly online but a few at school. Two people he worked with on other games with started a company almost absent-mindedly and he defaulted into the “art” job. It was senior year of High School and he was nearly expelled for absenteeism. This was right after his mom died, car crash, and his Dad retreated into his model trains, remote as the moon. On the day he was supposed to go to Prom, the three teenagers released their little exploration/adventure game: Sled.
It wasn’t a hit. It was a phenomenon.
He didn’t go to college. What was the point when he was pulling in more then his dad with job offers ankle-deep? The other guys dealt with the business end, incorporating and buying office space and drawing up budgets. Kablooey! Games was the first independent game company to make the cover of Forbes Magazine.
Kablooey! was eventually bought out by Google who wanted to use it as the start an independent developer portal. He retired. He wrote blog points on the purity of Capitalism and Rand and Taking Charge Of Your Universe. He was briefly a Divisive Internet Personality. There was the slick city apartment, the clubs, the coke, the strippers, the suits, the coke, the benders, the adventure tourism, the coke, the MMA fixation, the tattoos, the coke.
He didn’t hit rock bottom so much as hover. He still had the money, his Dad gave excellent financial advise. It wasn’t nearly as much, but his needs were simple. Bed. Liquor. Internet connection. But he turned around and hit 30 and realized he didn’t know a single person he could call on the phone.
On a whim he went to his High School Reunion, rub in all their stupid suburban faces. I bet they’re fat he thought. He hoped they where fat. And ugly. And poor.
And that’s when he met HER
SHE was a very serious student. Her teachers loved her. Her parents loved her. And within her small enclave of other hyper-achievers, she was well-liked. She took college courses in High School and wrote an essay on Civic Responsibility that won her a small but encouraging scholarship. She had her pick of schools and while she started in Pre-Law (her mother’s insisted) she floated toward the Humanities. It surprised her as much as anybody.
She didn’t date until College, not out of shyness but more of a casual indifference. She was always happiest alone, preferably reading or doing research, the thrill of uncovering the perfect anecdote to illustrate a theme, the way some words could you sit up straighter or your heart race. She had a few bouts with equally serious young men with black-rimmed glasses and sweater vests. There was a hippie phase that eventually whittled down to a few small but sturdy affectations: long hair, chunky jewelry, a small tin of dried out grass on the upper shelf behind the tea candles kept for blackouts. She donated to NPR. She used re-usable bags before it was cool. When she remembered, she was a vegetarian, but the world outside her graduate thesis was hazy at best. She didn’t have too much debt but did work a series of jobs. She was a terrible waitress, a competent secretary, and an above-average copy editor.
She nearly married an up-and-coming politician but couldn’t deal with the glibness, the small talk, of having to perform the role of The Wife three times a week to complete strangers. She realized she didn’t really love him, she just liked the way he made her feel like the center of attention. He did that to everyone.
She lived in a small apartment in a large mid-western city done up in Lower Thrift Store and bookshelves. She tried her hand at fiction, tidy little portraits of life in different eras. It was worse then graduate school, worse than her desperate grab for a tenure-track job, the constant never-ending rejection. She’d read her favorite writers over and over again, trying to figure out why they could just turn a phrase and somehow make the world seem so right, so good. How come they can do that and I can’t? What am I doing wrong? Eventually the weight of teaching broke her of the habit.
She had a daughter with her live-in boyfriend, a Non-Profit worker who wrote grant proposals and and liked to do the cooking. She uncovered an affair between him and his loud, jangly supervisor. She let him go quietly, without malice. They kept in touch and shared custody.
If she thought about HIM at all, it was as a vague annoying blur that became famous or something. Something with video games. Figures. She was surprised he had shown up to the reunion at all.
HE looked bad, long and pale in a stylish suit that didn’t fit. Strutting and preening with teenage confidence well into his 3rd decade. He was showing off his tattoos to some guy she didn’t remember much. Morris or something. Big guy, he’d gone in the army right after High School. She thought she’d be nice, say hello, introduce him to her daughter who, even at the age of six still carried around her favorite doll, something that was beginning to worry her.
Later, at the hotel bar, the only thing anyone could talk about was that when HE turned to greet HER he look one look at her daughter’s stuffed tiger and broke out in wailing sobs. Everyone agreed, money or not, he was weird.
April 12, 2011
Dr. Who Dr. Sketchy’s Soundtrack
Due to intense public demand, here is the actual working soundtrack for the Dr. Who, Dr. Sketchy’s session. All findable music.
0 – TARDIS sound f/X
1- Dr. Who Theme – National Orchestra Of Whales.
2- There’s No Such Things As Aliens – Sparks
3- Ballad Of Maxwell Demon – Shudder To Think
4- ROBOT – Plastics
5- Giant Robot – Time Agency
6 – I’m Gonna Spend Christmas With A Dalek – Go Go, The
7 – Telstar – The Ventures
8- Interplanet Janet – Man Or AstroMan
9 – Onward – Dr. Noise.
10- Timelord 120bpm – Nebula Sound Studio
11- Doris Day The Earth Stood Still – Future Bible Heroes.
12 – The Sound Of Drums – Quantum Locked
13- Dr. Who Theme – Orbital
14 – Dr. Who Do You Think You Are? – Don’tjoke
15 Serious, Sirus Space Party – Ednah Holt
16- May The Cube Be With You – Thomas Dolby
17- Doctorin’ The Tardis – The World-Band
18- Seven Seas Of Rhyne – Queen
19- All The Strange Creatures – BBC National Orchestra
20 – I am The Walrus – The Beatles
21- Evolution Of The Daleks – BBC National Orchestra
22- From Some Dying Star – Future Bible Heroes
23 – Loving The Alien – David Bowie
24- Donna’s Theme – BBC National Orchestra
27 – Giant Ants – The Hissyfits
28- The Gentleman Who Fell – Milla Jovovich
29 – Starman – David Bowie
30 – Velvet Spacetime – Carter Burwell
31 – Dr. Who Theme – Mannheim Steamroller
32- Bonebeard, The Dinosaur Pirate From Space – Logan Whitehurst
33- The Doctor Forever – BBC National Orchestra
34- Doctor, Doctor, – Mr. Saxon
35- Space Olympics – The Lonely Island
36- Blink – Chameleon Circut
37 – New Earth – Tom Milsom
38 – Angel – Massive Attack
39 – Lost In Space – TV theme
40 – I’m Sticking With You – The Velvet Underground
And since everyone wanted the hard to find kinda off the internet joy that is Christmas With A Dalek, I’m just saying you could click something if maybe you wanted to, it is really up to you
The Whelk - John Leavitt 